I don't know if being depressed is a strong word to use for my situation, but I feel life cannot get any worse. I wish I had more to this life than just the life I have right now. But it really feels like I can't get much with the way things are going right now.
A failed business, a failed relationship, a failed life. I haven't achieved much in the past 4 years as I would have imagined all because my values of being myself are not perceived to be something that anyone would be keen to see as something I see as my strengths. I know I have nothing now.
I don't have a life beyond dragon boat and soccer on the weekends. I live my life frugally and within my means. I do not possess anything other than this laptop to write on. But i wish my life can be better. It feels that a woman challenging me has become intimidating to me. setting me up for a life of disappointment. That I would not enjoy my life if my life continues to be this path I take. The path I willingly take to forgo the luxuries of the now.
I have given up those dreams for now. But I know I will bounce back. How, I won't know for now. But I am sure I wlll one day. I just need to take a step at a time to prove to myself that I can reach that potential. To meet a match that would one day accept me for who I am and how I perceive my life to take on. I dont want to give up my values for something I do not believe in, but its difficult considering my circumstances. I would want to follow my dreams but I am still trying to find myself in the midst of all this chaos that is life.
This chaos of life has been unpredictable, but I have to give up this for some security to see what else I can be good at. I want to take into consideration the things I am good at and the things I am willing to pursue. I want to be able to say that I am successful but it is difficult knowing that time is not on my side and things are taking a turn for the worse. The person whom I'd hope would support me hasnt given me much of a chance to prove myself enough.
Feeling like a failure is nothing new, but its just the countless times I feel that it has happened to me makes it all the more difficult to bounce back. All I see is a an endless hole. A hole that leads to nowhere. I know I need that motivation to prove that I can do more. I've literally lost that motivation. The toils and turmoils just keep on compounding and until that is removed I feel life can get better.
I liked her since the day I met her. Since the day we chatted on the phone about the things I knew was different. I never despised nor took away anything from her. Because I am happy that she is very happy. Happy with how she can handle the multitude of problems in her life to do the things that she wants to do. We are constantly having these problems only because I feel like I am not sure of myself, who I am what I wanna be in 5-10 years down the road. I want to do all these things. I wanna be pushed to succeed. But I want to make sure I follow my values, and the values I uphold up to this point is my family and how I need to make sure that I am the main breadwinner for this family. She must be able to accept me for who I am. My potential to succeed I can only leave it to Allah to decide. But what he has in store for me at this point, I would not know.
There is no point fighting or changing into someone else I am not. I feel like times like this, i cannot find a way to do justice with how things are going with her and me. She cannot find reason to believe that I do not have a choice. I just would prefer to see some security in the way I uphold my duty as the eldest son. I have my challenges. But I don't want to do it at the expense of my parents. I don't want to be the unfilial son who can run away to do the things I want. I can't see myself pushing forth in that direction until i feel secure that my family can do without me.
Life hasn't been easy the past four years, and I can largely believe my complacency as a person is not helping. What effort I have put in as a person into the relationship has been just been an expectation for her and it is demoralising. I cannot get a foothold into seeing her wants and needs and it seems like she deserves better from someone who can provide all these for her. Letting her go is a better decision all in all. But if time and space would have it, I hope our paths meet again with renewed vigour of something that I can contribute better to the relationship.
Material things seem to get the better of life. A constant balance of making the best of my potential on earth and the best of my time preparing for the akhirat. I am fearful of you Allah. I am fearful of the consequences of not being my best towards the people that matter most in my life. I wish that i could be a better person. Someone who is able to achieve so much more. I will find my way and I will find my path. I will find my ideas and I will find that big idea again. I need to dream bigger just that the dream will have to fit in with my values of how I see my contributions fitting into something bigger. and I hope I will eventually find someone who can see that value. That person may be her. But I choose to leave it to Allah to decide if she being the person that I can eventually settle down with to start a family with.
I just need someone to believe in what I believe, The perspective that take shape in my mind is based on how my parents raised me. I do not feel it is wrong. I just want some one to share those values and not toss them away like it is such a bore. While I take pride in the projects and things I do, I know every one of them is something I have to take into consideration to prove to myself that I can be more than this. I choose to be a better person, I choose to take on a brighter path. I want to be better than this. Because enough is enough and I don't want to accept this failure anymore than what I can take. I will myself to succeed. I hope my next platform will bring me the rezeki I always imagine myself of getting.
I don't want to promise anyone anything. It will come by chance or luck but I know it will be based on pure hard work and tawakal. Insyallah he wil give me grace to try again. I seek mercy and i praise Allah for giving me the sustenance I have received up to this point. I choose not to be sad for it will not bring me any benefit. I just want to make things better. For better or for worse. I have to for the sake of my family and my future.
